Boundaries with Students: Warning Signs and Healthy Guidelines

All humans have the compelling desire to know and be known by others. And teaching is one of the most powerful “know and be known” drugs on the market. To be attentive and actively listened to, to feel heard and understood and agreed with, is quite empowering. Thankfully for most teachers this drug does not lead to an addiction—we teach and connect and move on as the semesters change. But for the unaware, unprepared, or needy teacher, a few draws from this potent cocktail can quickly lead to some unwise choices—choices that can end a career or even lead to legal ramifications.

Here are some warning signs to look for.

Warning Sign #1: Becoming dependent on our student’s approval or attention often causes us to miss some potentially troubling issues brewing in our own heart.

Wise teachers know that healthy classroom relationships come with certain boundaries that God put in place to protect us, likely because of the incredibly high cost we pay when we do not do them well, and the incredibly high reward we gain when we do. It is clear to most educators that emotional boundaries are important because they protect the heart. Christians know that it is vital for us to guard our heart, as the writer of Proverbs puts it, above all else. Why? Because “it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23). The NLT renders it “Your heart determines the course of your life,” and the Complete Jewish Bible says “The heart is the source of life’s consequences.”

In other words, whatever is in your heart overflows out into the other parts of your life, impacting everything. Whenever we reach for the drug of approval from our students—to provide us what we should be getting from God, close confidants or even ourselves—we set ourselves up for disappointment, and court disaster. Our heart moves to places it should not go, leaving us vulnerable to all sorts of unhealthy connections.

Warning Sign #2: If you make conscious choices of what to say or do or teach based on what you believe will appeal to your students—rather than what is true or honorable or just or commendable—you are courting trouble.

Psychological research shows that healthy connections and relationships impact our emotional well-being. Relationships play such a central role because the need to connect with another person is a fundamental human motivation. This motivation is core to who we are as humans. In fact, having healthy personal relationships is one of the strongest predictors of happiness and emotional and psychological well-being.

In contrast, studies also show that distressed relationships predict an increased risk of all kinds of problems, including loneliness, depression, and physical illness. All of us, including our students, experience anxiety and loneliness when social ties are weak, coloring our thoughts and emotions.

Needy students often experience distressed relationships at home, and will seek to meet their relational and emotional needs at school—from other students, and often from teachers. It is no wonder that such students seek to affiliate and then become attached to those who provide them with boundaries, discipline, consistency, and love. And most Christian educators I know excel at imparting such things. But, for teachers who may just be starting their career, or for those who are in a vulnerable season, caution is advised.

Warning Sign #3: If you frequently leave school feeling emotionally high, or emotionally exhausted, based mostly on how your interactions went with a few students, you may need to check your boundaries.

So how can we tell when emotional boundaries are pushing the limits? How can we better guard our hearts? How can we establish healthy boundaries that may have slipped? When our heart is well, the reward is that our lives will resemble springs of living water, nourishing, and encouraging. Such a reward is what drew many of us to the field of education in the first place.

Here are some guidelines to help you set reasonable, healthy, God-honoring emotional boundaries.

1. Discretion is your friend. Slow and steady are the words that should come to mind. Let your guard down, but do it a little at a time. Do not share your most intimate personal details or secrets at any stage of teaching. Protect the deepest, most intimate parts of who you are both emotionally and spiritually. “Be real, be genuine, and be honest,” says my friend Debra Felita, “but never without the anchor of boundaries and the weight of wisdom.”

2. Set your boundaries before you need them. Set aside time to think through and pray through them. Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you in establishing reasonable, healthy, God-honoring emotional boundaries that will help protect both you and your classroom. Then actually put them in writing and have a friend hold you accountable to them. Revisit them often to assess whether you are keeping your commitments.

3. Guard your classroom by guarding your spiritual heart. For Christian educators it is important to continue pursuing your relationship with God. And this is where prayer becomes so critical. Prayer is meant to be deeply intimate, baring your heart and your emotions before God. Jesus prayed often and regularly, in obedience to His will. It is the same for us: Prayer must be a central part of our life, as commanded by God. Make your classroom a sacred place by regularly praying over it, and asking God to be present.

4. Maintain your connections with friends and advisors. It is normal to want to spend as much time as possible on something you enjoy. But do not let teaching isolate you and keep you from spending time with friends and family. Keep interacting and participating in your existing relationships on a frequent basis. These friends should be the main providers and shapers of your emotional life, your character, and who you are becoming.

5. Encourage healthy students to reach out to the needy ones. One of the main joys of teaching are the emotionally and relationally healthy students we get the pleasure to interact with. Such students are usually magnets to others, and can be enlisted to help you with the needier ones. They are usually gifted at including others, coming alongside, and inviting them in. Of course, not all of them are equipped for such a mission, but what a joy it is to see the fruits when it works! Remember that God knows us, and knows our students. He never forgets them, and has provided for their needs, and we can gratefully entrust them into his caring hands.

If we do indeed guard our hearts well, if we go slow and steady and commit our way to the Lord, setting good boundaries, we will create safe and healthy classroom environments. We will be blessed with deeper and more enriched relationships. And we will know and be known, confident that our lives will resemble springs of living water. “And the LORD will guide you continually… You will be like a well-watered garden; like an ever-flowing spring.” Isaiah 58:11